Innocent Heart

Looking for something pretty to cheer me up. Looking for something magical in my surroundings. Truth is, I'm actually happy when we pause. The truth is, I actually like to lose the plot. The truth is, there's relief in forgetting what it's all about. The truth is, I don't really want to figure it out. 

I'm actually happy alone sometimes. And I am happy to be walking on my road. With these soft feet walking behind me, I can hear you and sense you at my back. 

When we walked in the forest I was seeing things in a way I don't usually. I saw the shine of the water in the mud. I saw the green of the moss there, I saw the green of the moss everywhere. I saw the glowing green and that was good enough me. I saw the glowing green, and that was good enough for me.

In that moment, loving just to be alive. You don't hear me say that so often, but it's true. It happened, it's kind of a secret, but it's true, I love this world.

I love the little leaves on the trees, and their blooming courage to unfold. I love the lights, and the sounds, the light on the ferns. I love the light, and the sounds, the soft sounds of the woods.

But I'm still mad, that I can't control it, says the angry warrior, about her broken heart. What's the point of loving the world, when it will only be destroyed. What's the point of loving when it all gets taken away? What's the point of loving creatures, so vulnerable. What's the point of having children, who will be just harmed by this world? 

You know that I am bitter in my mouth and tongue and teeth. You know the words I find are mean. You know I can't let go of what just happened. Somehow I hold you responsible for them, and what they did.

What kind of a world has them in it, is all I want to know. I know there's some long range plan, but I don't give a shit right now! I'm just angry for the destruction of my innocent heart. I'm angry for the destruction of my innocent ones. I'm angry for the destruction of the love I felt for this world. 

But still these lovely things continue to exist, improbably. There still are these things that I love and always will love. This is how I'm tied to the world I'll never let go of. This is how I'm tied to a world I'd rather let go of.

There was the light that shined on his eyelid that moment. When I touched his heart with the back of my fingers last night. And even though he was angry with me, he loves me too, because we are creatures of love, and love is what we do.

And that's how they hurt us, that's how they got us, through the incredible pain of love and losing loved ones. Through the incredible pain of loving the world and losing the world.

We once knew ourselves as part of it, we existed in a balance of love and light, we knew ourselves as a part of the world we were in. We were loved just as much as we loved the others and all that was around us, the plants and the animals. The little leaves, the blooming trees, the rising lights and the beautiful sounds.

The music we made in celebration, and gratitude and inspiration. What we loved and what we did, who we were, and who we were with.

It's the memory and knowledge of how they disrupted, how they destroyed, how they cut us up and destroyed, how they disrupted us and destroyed us through the heart, through the heart, through the heart. 

What's the point of vulnerability, you've got to admit to love is to be open for this loss, for this loss.

So what do I choose, you want to know? Well isn't my answer obvious? I'm still here in this fucked up place so what does that tell you? Of course I do. In the end, I couldn't end it. In the end I couldn't hurt it, couldn't hurt me, couldn't hurt them, I couldn't hurt you, I couldn't hurt the world. No matter how much it hurt me I can't hurt the world, the One I love. I can't harm the ones I love. I can't harm the ones I love. 

It's the love in me that keeps me from harming the ones I love. It's the love in me that keeps me here.

Is there more to say on this matter? You have heard me out. Is there more to say on this matter? I feel you heard me out. I never get the sense that you disagree, but I'm still angry. I never get the sense that you disagree, but how are you not angry?

I'm still devastated every single day, I can't seem to move on. And I envy you your calm and your golden sparkly eyes, and your open heart, and that you're still loving, you're still loving - how do you do it? How do you love when you've lost us like this? How do you love me? How do you love me when I'm no longer what I was, when I failed, when I lost my faith? 

You know I gave up on all of it, you know I haven't been here, I've been retreating into my pain, I've been crawling into my hole, nursing my wounds, holding onto my grudge because I just can't let it go. How can you still love me when I'm like this? I don't get it. I'm a nasty thing. I'm a beastly being.