Secretly Loving Me

Thumbnail reverently appropriated from Vertical, a collaborative zine created Nov 2017 in the BFA Vertical Lab at Portland State University

Getting into some impossible zone, the song is long, the song is long, the song is long. 

Getting into some impossible mood, the song is curing, the song is curing. 

I'm going on, God only knows why. I'm going on into the zone.

I want to be cured, I want to be healed, I want to be reunited with my Self.

I want to be cured, I want to be healed and reunited with my Self.

The song is long and it goes on and on, for some unspecified amount of time. What have I been trying to do all this time? 

I've been trying to win approval all this time. 

I've been wanting to get you to do what I must do for me. 

I have been wanting to get you to do what I really want to do for me. 

I have been trying to get you to do what I actually don't want you to do, because I want to do it myself. I want to do it myself, I can do it by myself, for myself, and I want to do it for me. 

The song is long, it goes on for as long as I want it to. 

Because I'm the only one who can say what should go on or not. I'm the only one who can redeem my empty spaces. I'm the only one who can say that it's ok the way I am. I'm the only one who can really give me permission to be just the way I am. 

I'm so glad, so glad that it's me, who's talking to me now so lovingly. And I'm so glad it's me. I'm the one that I have always wanted to please!

I'm the one whose love was missing from me. I'm the one who was withholding all the love. While secretly wanting to love, while secretly longing to love. While secretly longing to love, while secretly loving me. While secretly actually loving me, clandestinely. While covertly loving me actually all this time, clandestinely.