You Want to Live

What do I get out of this? The voice wants to know.

Why don't I have more control of what comes out of me? Why don't I have more control of what's coming out of me? I never said and I never agreed to be a lame loser, and never to succeed. I never said that I was fine with failing all the time! And I'm mad that things have gone like they have, they've gone so bad. I'm mad that things have gone bad, that things have ended this way.

Why can't I be something impressive? Why can't I be proud of myself? Why can't I be something recognizable to the others? Why do I have to walk on my own, trudging through mountains of shit? Why do I sit alone like this, even knowing this makes me asshole? Why do I have to go on like this even knowing the fault is in me?

I know I am a child, I know I am a child running wild. I'm a child running wild away from you, running away from my desk and my room, like my sister jumping out of the window onto the back of her white mare, to gallop away, gallop away, because fuck all this.

She wants to gallop away, and she still does. She wanted to gallop away, she galloped away and disappeared upriver for a while. She galloped away, free as the wind, free in her soul as she always wants to be. She galloped away, free in the wind, free in her soul as she always wants to be. 

Why I can't I be something to be proud of? Why I can't I be something legible? Why can't I be eminent or successful? Why do I have to spend my life in bed? Why do I have to look like I didn't get shit done?

Why do I have to be so ridiculous? Waking up each morning with a fresh set of tears about some loss I can't even name. Why do I have to drive all my loved ones away with a dark pit of sadness that no one can face? And no one wants to!

Why can't I just be normal? She says, Why can't I just be normal? To have a house, and a child, and an income statement, and a bank account like everyone else? Why do I have to meltdown and fail and fuck up all the time and be haunted by dreams of something better?

Why can't I sit in my chair? Why can't I meditate? I can't even fucking meditate, guys. I'm pretending that I'm spiritual because I have no other domain. And I'm claiming I'm an artist, because I just can't give up on it.

And I never had the discipline to develop no skills, and never had the fight to fight for me, and I give up and I cry and I feel sorry for myself, and I'm a fraud. And I'm a mess of a human being. And I'm a burden to the ones I love. And even worse for the ones who are cursed by loving me, they can't quite be free of me.

And if only I could leave...then maybe everyone could be free of me. But I can't leave, that's not how it works, even that is just my self-absorption at work.

It's the illness in me, it's the illness in me that persists. It's the illness in me, that won't let me go, the illness, the illness, the illness!

So I went off my meds in 2012, with big dreams of living joyous. And I fell in love, and I left the city, looking for the land I love. And I listened to the dreams in my heart, like a fucking idiot. And I believed in what was in my heart, like a naive idiot.

And I didn't believe was the dragon was so bad, well it is so bad. Now I'm here with nothing to show for myself, once again. Whatever I had is gone, and I can't explain myself to anyone who wants an explanation. Even my sister said, why are you always giving an explanation? No one wants an explanation!

Ego, I hear you. And believe it or not, I love you. And I know that it's not that easy, but I have to laugh at the way you tell the stories you tell, they're so one-sided. They're so not fair, they're just not fair!

You insist that you're a failure. You insist you are a burden. You insist that you want to die, but you are brimming with life!

You just want to be loved as you are, without the burden to succeed, in this game that's so rigged. You never really had a chance.

You wish that you could succeed, but you are a success in our eyes. You're successful at being you, and that's the only thing you have to do. We know you don't like these examples, but it's true.

And if the world was kinder to you, then you wouldn't want to leave it. Because you love this planet! You just can't bear to see it, the way it is, in its pain.

You are not wimpy, you're definitely not so bad. You like to tell the story, some kind of story so you can control the spin you get.

You just want to be loved, that's the truth.

We know that you want to be loved as you are, and you want to live, you want to live, you want to live dear one, you want to live, that's the truth, you just don't want to be in constant pain. Who does?

You don't want to have to feel like a failure, you don't want to have to feel like you have no value. You don't want to have to feel like you're a burden to the ones you love, and you don't want to have to feel like they're going to leave you for that reason.

You want to live, dear love, you want to live! You want to live, you want to live, you want to live.