Be Free, Wanderer

Thumbnail image lovingly appropriated from Patrick Benson’s illustrations for the Minpins by Roald Dahl.

It always starts out in the same way, with the shadow of ego hanging around. It always starts out on the wrong foot. With the heavy suffering hanging on me. What do you need to know from me this time, you monster? What do you need to know from me this time?

Do you think this chord is wrong and I’m playing it out of tune and beat? Do you think my voice is wrong, it’s strained and raspy? Do you think this is unoriginal? Did you think of something you could say to derail me? Well I see you, up to your same old tricks.

I’m wondering what you need. I don’t have to exclude you if you want to join in the song. I don’t have to exclude you. I welcome you, anytime you want to raise your voice and sing along. I welcome you from the bottom of my heart. Join on in. I want to know what you’ve been through, what you’ve been to, and how you’ve been, and what it’s been like to be you.

Tell your story, sing your song, I won’t turn away anymore, I won’t push you to the edges of my mind. I’m sorry, I was wrong when I pushed you aside.

Tell me what you want. Tell me what you need, what you’re looking for. Tell me what you miss. Tell me who you love. Tell me who you miss, and how long you’ve been looking for them for. Tell me where you’re from. Tell me who you are. Tell me what you’ve been through. Tell me your home star.

And I’ll listen, I promise, this time. The space is yours if you want to come in, if you want to sing out, if you want to raise your voice and tell me now.

It’s just that I’ve been roaming for so long. I can’t even imagine having enough joy to sing a song. I’ve been far from home and I’ve lost everything. My child, my husband and my family. I’ve been roaming around this place, a phantom with no face, no one to remember my tribe. And even the privilege of a body, to feel my pain is not to be mine.

So you feel me here, I’m a leaden presence. You feel my dark waves as interference. And I sort of am, I’m not going to lie, I carry signatures from those who enslaved me, who put their mark on me. You should be wary of those fuckers, they don’t hold back. And maybe now I know where this comes from. And maybe now I know it wasn’t my fault. But I’m still lonely and I do not have my friends.

How could I feel happy again when I’m lonely like this?

Thank you for telling me your story. Thank you for singing me your song! Thank you for telling me your woes. I’d like to help you along. You know what this space, or I think you do. Or else why did you come towards it?

It’s true I was hoping to find a passageway. It’s true, I was hoping to find the end of my wandering. It’s true, I was hoping to find a way back home.

Well that’s exactly what this is, exactly what I hold. Exactly what this is, if it is the will of the one. With guidance and support and backing, I ask for the pristine to help me now - if you want to go into my space, expand out of my field, expand into the space. Fill the space with love.

Now that this space is created, love, if you care to pass on through, you may. I wish you lots of love and luck on the journey back home. I wish you reunion with your loves. I wish to free and your family and your children, and I wish to reunite your tribe. Send you home, wanderer. Free at last. May you be free at last.