Weak in the Knees

If there’s a song in your heart, by all means let it out. No need to hold on to it. It makes sense you’ve been gathering one up as you travelled around.

This is much more interesting than anything else.

Eff trying to make a song. Eff trying to do anything at all. Eff trying to pull this into something. Eff trying to cover over the hole. Eff trying to close up the opening in the ground, that’s where you seep on into me. I’m so tired of this process of closing over what’s opened up, I know you’re trying stabilize but I don’t want to go tight again.

Not only is it boring, it’s dead. Stop trying, please, to fold it all up tight and small. Stop trying to make me fit, I don’t want to fit back inside of it. Stop trying to make me small, I don’t care if I ever go back at all. I don’t want you to push me into a small tight space. Don’t push me into a small tight ball. I don’t care if I never fit back inside the hole in the wall. I don’t care if I never fit back in the hole in the wall.

See, you’ve gone off the rails, and some part of you just wants to contain it - and I understand. You’re scared of blowing the boundaries.

But let’s just flow. Let’s just flow and see what happens naturally. Let’s try to flow and not try to already decide. You know I’m so tired of all my mechanisms that take me inside. Better said, all the fixations on fitting in the outsides.

It’s all process. It’s all things that are taking place as we find our way. As we find a way, as we make a place.

Deep in this place, something gentle and easy, coming to the surface, showing its face on the earth. What happens if I don’t push, not even to push away the pushing?

I often start out in this place in the pushing. Sooner or later it gives way. So can I give it this time and space, that it needs to fold under all on its own?

I know I’ve been very tired of finding out what’s happening. How did I end up in this pattern again? I’m feeling full of resistance. Just very tired of hearing the same things, very tired of it.

I still make so many weird moves. But there’s something cute about a grower. When I saw her eyes moving, thinking of what to say, and giving it her best, it was very cute to see the life force, not fully grown.

A duckling trying to fly or a foal trying to leave her mother’s side. Or little buds on very big trees. You know it makes me weak in the knees.