I Hope You're Not Waiting on Me

I’m tired of posing. And tired of imposing my will on things.

I’m tired of trying to force an outcome, even trying to get out of this frame of mind is another way I’m trying to force an outcome, and I’m really exhausting myself, spinning my wheels. I’m spinning my wheels.

The requirements always seem to change. Just when i’m so close, so close. Just when I’m about to hit the finish post. Just when I’m about to come in first place, then it seems time and space expands and I’m far away agin. Seems like I live far away from everything that’s happening.

I’m so caught up in trying to force a pattern, even though I see it. It still feels like this energy is stuck in me, even though I want to free it. It still feels like me commanding and ultimately trying to steer the ship. Even at the cost of tanking. Even at the cost of sinking the whole thing, seems like I can’t get my hands of wheel. Can’t stop being the captain. Can’t step away from the helm.

I don’t know what it means to go on anymore. In what direction? Seems like I’m just floating on. It could be without direction for all I know. it could be my body expanding for all I know. It could be the space getting larger for all I know. I could be out with the stars for all I know. I could be at the center of the sun for all I know. I could be the density in the core of the earth for all I know.

I think there’s a space holding light. I think there are caverns of crystal growing quick as a pistol in me.

I could be dreaming in song again! I could be limited by my darkness again, I could be dreaming.

All I really want is to be free. If that means giving up on everything, I think you know you don’t even need to ask me. You know what my answer would be. I hope you’re not waiting on me.